It’s only been 3 months that I have been seeing the EMDR therapist and my entire life seems to have changed. Coincidence? I don’t think so. All of a sudden I started to let myself paint. All of a sudden I am having flashbacks. All of a sudden I understand that I have been”missing” for many years inside my own carefully constructed walls.
On EMDR Monday this week, my therapist sat me down and I could sense she was going to give me a little…speech? It went something like this:
ET: “I have been doing a lot of thinking about the last 2 sessions we’ve had, where things got kind of…”
Cockroach: “Insane?”
ET: “No, not insane. Intense. I want you to know that I really admire your courage and willingness to continue forward with this process…”
Cockroach: “But?”
ET: “Well, I really think we should dial down the intensity this week, and try to get a little more grounded. The last two times you were here, you completely left the room. (She means my soul went whipping out of the room as my body sat there on the purple couch.) I don’t want you leaving here feeling like you are all alone with so much intense emotion that it causes you to shut down, so today let’s focus on…”
Cockroach: “I totally agree.”
And then? All of a sudden. It started happening again. I could feel it. Imagine if I were one of those vending machine balls, and someone had thrown me down against the ground so hard, I became a blur when I bounced back up. Psshhhheeewwwww.
Did you know cockroaches could fly?
I was pummeling towards the ceiling. Even though I walked in feeling very calm, and even though even ET said we will keep things safe and grounded, Psshhheewwwwww….off I went. My spirit sky rocketing out of my body. Let the simulated heart attack begin. Carnival music. Is this really real like for reals?
ET began calling my name. “Can you please try to open your eyes?” I was unable. By now, crying hysterically. Spine hooked down into a candy cane. Head lowered. Sobbing so hard I kept thinking “This is what Gut Wrenching” means. What is wrong with me? Am I more fucked up than I even imagined or knew? I open my eyes for a second and see her sitting there. Slam shut. I can’t look. Must leave. Maybe I need to quit. Maybe this was all a mistake. Maybe I am not really here.
ET has this little plastic toy”thing” she throws at me when I’ve dissociated and left the room. It is yellow with a hundred little spindly red protrusions. Looks like a sea anemone. She throws it at me and I catch it. Clutching it in my chest like it was my bleeding heart and I needed to get it back inside.
ET tells me it is not uncommon for her clients to “wait” or “store” their emotion until they get to her tree house office, because we know it’s truly safe to express our feelings there. I guess it is like having the worst toothache of your life. Only for it to go away when you arrive for your root canal? Similar. But backwards. I wonder? Does she have other clients? Am I the craziest one?
ET asks me to look around the room and name 5 shiny objects. Another attempt to bring me back into the room. I am mute. I have lost my voice. My jaw mimics a bear trap, closed down on it’s invisible prey.
I force myself. I feel like I am channeling a child who has just gotten a bad boo boo. The parent is sitting there, trying to get the child to focus on something else besides the boo boo. Like the colorful boo boo strip or a stuffed dinosaur. I’m sniffling like a child who can’t decide if it’s okay to stop crying, or to keep going. I decide to play along.
“The vase.” Sniff sniff. “The silver frame.” Sniff. Mewl. More crying escapes like the sound a helium balloon makes when pierced. “The glass.” Looking around. “Your computer monitor.”
And then a shit eating grin. “My eyelashes….” I burst out into a maniacal laughter laced with tears and snot. My lashes are shiny. I wear a different color glitter on the lower lashes every day. I am laughing now and she is laughing too. She sweetly just says “Oh, okay?” (As in….whatever you say, psycho. Just name the shiny things.) Only she didn’t say that. I did. That is where my mind goes. Immediate finger pointing. Self bullying.
The shiny things game has worked as I am now focused on my eyelashes and the glitter on the bottom ring of Dante. Why do I do this? Because every time I catch a glimpse of light throughout the day I remind myself that God is here. And to keep shining….no matter how dark it seems.
Okay woman. Deep breath. I am here now. Let the games begin…
Forever kissing,
The Cockroach
Copyright © 2019 Kissing The Cockroach® All Rights Reserved.
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Posted in EMDR, Expressive Arts Therapy, Memories, Pain, Paintings, Rape, TRM
Tags: Abuse, Addiction, Anorexia, Art Therapy, Bulimia, Buried Memories, Chronic Pain, Dissociation, Eating Disorders, Fear, God, Humor, Lessons, Light, Love, OCD, Painting, Panic Attacks, PTSD, Purging, Recovery, Super Powers, Therapy, Trauma