It Takes What it Takes

I never thought I deserved a diagnosis of Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I thought that since so much time had passed, and since I had made so many mistakes and awful decisions in life, I “deserved” the punishment of being miserable. I managed to blame myself for things that I had absolutely no control over, while faithfully forgiving anyone who had wronged me. As if by purging those resentments, I might find healing and be able to let go of the sadness and self hatred. Of course, logically and intellectually, I could reason with myself that some things were not my fault. I could read about others who had had way worse lives than me and empathize with them as though I had gone through it myself. As though I had gone through it. Myself.

When I got into the accident with the bus, life as I knew it was turned upside down. All of a sudden, I could not use work as a hamster wheel technique of not thinking. Focus on work. Do a good job. Wake up and go to work. Work, work, work. I also lost my other crutch….the gym. Work work work, workout workout workout. Two of my major mind-numbing activities were knocked out from under me.

But then came the last mortal blow. Alcohol. Stuck at home and unable to walk, I still managed to drink myself silly. I had a huge case against the bus company. Little me against the government. And what did I do? In a black out, on pain killers, muscle relaxers and Two Buck Chuck, I got in my car and (apparently) drove to get more beer.

I woke up in jail. Staring up at the fluorescent lights and hearing the CLANG of the doors again and again. I was laying on a bench. Oh my god. What did I do? I sat up and looked around. What time is it? It took me a few minutes to realize I was not dreaming. Is this what it took, God?

I had crashed my car into not one, but two parked cars. Thank God I did not kill anyone. My car was totaled. When I saw it the next day, I could not believe my eyes. I thought I would be able to zip out of the parking lot. It was beyond totaled. And so was I.

So the stage was set. Physically disabled. Unable to work. Unable to drive. Unable to numb out through exercise or bulimia. I dropped the case against the bus company, much to the horror of all in my life, because as soon as they found out I had a second accident and it was a DUI, the defense attorney smiled a slow, Grinch-like grin, saying “See you in court, young lady.” I had no idea at the time that I had an eye witness of the bus hitting me. I was too involved in my own shame to understand that the bus accident had nothing to do with my past. I could not face being dragged through a hearing and having my life picked apart. If you have read any other parts of this blog….you probably know why. My secrets were too many. I had no idea that the law worked differently than my mind. I thought I would be burned at the stake.

Sizzle.

Now… two and a half years later, and I am still sober. I have had 3 spine surgeries. I am seeing a therapist weekly, a trauma/EMDR specialist weekly, and a psychiatrist monthly. I don’t throw up anymore. And most shocking of all. I am writing about it.

Sigh. Life has a way.

Kissing,

The Cockroach

Copyright © 2012 Kissing The Cockroach All Rights Reserved.

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~ by kissingthecockroach on May 3, 2012.

8 Responses to “It Takes What it Takes”

  1. Sometimes it takes a LOT before we see where we really are. *hugs* I’m so glad you weren’t hurt when you crashed your car…and that no one else was either. That is a load of guilt you certainly don’t need to be carrying along with all the rest. x

  2. Hugs from me, too. My story isn’t quite as catastrophic… maybe. It took me until a few months ago to confess some of my worst crap to my 26-yr-old son who is most directly affected by it. Still can’t talk about it publicly, although God knows enough people saw the disaster unfold.

    I think the big difference between us is just that I didn’t get involved with the US justice system. But believe me, I’ve emotionally been where you were. Life does make sure we deal with the issues. The good news is that you’re going much brighter places than you’ve been. So happy for you that you’re finding your way there.

    • Sue, that made me smile so much. The US Justice system has seen plenty of me. 😮 No one would guess when they see Snow White walking down the street…

      I am so proud of you for revealing “your worst.” I have a feeling that the tings we think are the very worst will turn out to be the most beneficial to us and others.
      ****kiss*****

  3. BIG HUGS!!!!!

  4. I identify with a lot of your posts that I’ve read tonight. I’ve had eye-movement therapy for PTSD and it’s been the only thing in years of talking therapy that’s stopped me having flashbacks, which have at times been near constant and completely debilitating. I also had some NLP at the same time. I just wanted to say thank you for your openness and honesty and I wish you all the best in healing.

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