Learning Backwards

I’m about to make a confession. I ***might*** know a thing or two about anatomy. I didn’t learn it in college. I learned it through necessity. Having had several surgeries, and re-learning how to move in this body, it has forced me to be my own student. I’ve also been digging up old memories in therapy. My mind and body is experiencing things that don’t exactly make sense to the naked eye.

So, I have decided to take an online yoga anatomy class. It’s super duper Dick and Jane. 9 months. Watching one video a week. A little half hour of homework a week. Half hour of discussion with yoga teachers I already know. No tests. No memorizing. No way to fail, really. Yet, as I have done for she-love-me-long-time…I am already afraid. Of what? Failure? I think that is the cotton candy answer. The fake fluff of an answer I might give if cornered in a discussion over lunch. But what is it, really?

I started writing on February 1st, 2012. That was a blog that had all of the best intentions. But. I FROKE. I freaked out, and I broke. I could not continue, and I gave up. Then, I started kissingthecockroach on Feb 22nd. I wrote from the gut. It felt so good and so bad all at once, when I say “it made me want to puke” that really just means, I felt something.

Now in perspective, that was only 18 days ago. And since then, I have decided not only to allow myself to think about the possibility of maybe kind of sort of well um getting trained to teach yoga to special populations…but I AM the special population. So everything I do, each word, each breathe, each moment, I am studying, learning, observing, taking note, and refining.

If you asked me 19 days ago if I’d ever be taking an anatomy class I would have answered NO WAY. It is purely impossible. I can’t do it. I suck. I this. I that. Nononononononono. Child pursing lips and shaking head. We go bye bye now.

I tend to fall into ALL or NOTHING, black and white thinking. A task, such as “go back to school” is too monumental for me to wrap my brain around. It is also, not like me to “allow” myself to do something that would make me happy. I immediately go to the you’regonnafail! place.

But what’s even scarier?



It’s Saturday and I am downstairs in the Me-Cave. I was doing a Jari Love video. Skull crushers with 5 pound weights. Only a few months ago, and I wasn’t even able to lay down on a mat.

As usual, I let my mind & thoughts go where ever they like while exercising. Even if it’s “Fuck You, Jari!”

It occurred to me that I was learning a lot about my body, just through my own self exploration with exercise. I lamented that I had not “done this a long time ago.” Maybe I would have been a professional by now. It’s the lashing whips of the If Only Monster. Whip, whip. Kapow. Bang. You suck. You should have done something with your education…

Then it occurred to me “You know, you could become an expert if you just started reading the materials.”

I don’t know why, but this honest self admission made me burst out in laughter. So hard I was crying and laughing, trying but failing to keep proper form in my (now) chest flies.

Then, because that allowance of laughter had opened a door, I heard the background music in Jari’s DVD. I could hear a little ching ding ding ching ding ding and my mind could go nowhere else but to see tiny little cartoon cockroaches, with little shakers in their hands, doing a jig back and forth to the music. They wear whimsical almost maniacal grins as they shake their booties to the music.

More laughter. More tears. I am thoroughly amused (and secretly thrilled) by these thoughts.

Thank God, after all these years of isolation, hermitting and keeping secrets, I have maintained this sick and twisted sense of humor.

It has saved me. And now that I am recognizing myself for the first time, making friends with her, I am thrilled. Cause she’s hilarious.

Cha cha cha. Besando la cucaracha!


The Cockroach

Copyright © 2018 Kissing The Cockroach All Rights Reserved.

~ by Kissing The Cockroach® on March 10, 2012.

7 Responses to “Learning Backwards”

  1. I am so happy you’re doing things that make you happy. It’s amazing the power and energy this can release. You are a brilliant writer and a beautiful human being. Go for it!

    • You were the first person to find me and I was inspired by your honesty…it made me realize I can write about these things without the whole world exploding. 🙂
      Thank you!

  2. I love how candid you are. I think you will find as you write more, some of that icky darkness and fear will come out with it… that, at least, has been my experience. I hope it is for you too.
    The school thing is hard for me. It once came so easy to me, the last time I tried, it was a huge struggle. I so desperately want to go to school and get a degree in something, yet I have zero self confidence to do so. If only I could get a degree with this blog ;)… I’d be good to go. LOL

  3. I nominated you for Inspiring Blog Award. ♥ See details here: http://bipolarmuse.com/2012/03/12/inspiring-blog-award/

  4. Wonderful post. I loved the “froke”. I’m totally stealing that…:) Glad to have run across you here.

  5. […] starts tomorrow after all. Look over here, look over here. Don’t look over there. The little dancing cockroach is waving his tiny arms, with top hat and cane in hand doing the Mr. Peanut Dance. Over here, over […]

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